Je suis désolé


Well here we are bereft of sobriety. Perhaps not the time to talk but perhaps the time that honesty comes.

A poem of sorts, but not the type that follows tempo, time or reason. (Live with it)

I've said sorry once, I said sorry twice, maybe it's time to say it thrice.
You need more?
Fuck off!

So here I am on Friday night, a time of beer, a time of life. I've done the beer and laughed around but why do I feel so sad?

The side's let down, both you and me,
and lets be fair I know it shouldn't be.

I come to you my friends and chums and say to you arg, fuck, what comes?
My life of bliss, just aint so.
My bravard-ary is just for show

Lets turn this blunt and fuck the rhyme. Je suis confused and not best pleased.

Dear admin, If this aint so please turn it denizon, cos to be blunt it chums I seek. Not a public.

What's up? Stop rambling you cunt.

Lets be honest I've had a few. Pete I envy your choice to avoid. That said I enjoy it and the fun it brings. But things have been a bit odd for me of late. I've let things slip. The main things I have let slip are mates. You lot. And to be honest this is where the title of this blog comes from. Fundementally I really aint sorry for being me. Except when it comes to you guys. Then yeah I am. I should have been better.

I've said sorry to Byrnie cos I took ages to get back to him about his Farscape DVDs. I know that Byrnies' cool with me being tardy, because he's a mate. But should he have to be? Either way I felt I "overstayed my welcome", I took too much. Byrnie tried a million different email addresses to contact me, and I... ingored him? Ignore is probably too strong a word, in fact just plain wrong, cos I didn't dismiss him. In fact far from it. I was just shit at replying to him. Very.

Pete, you too. You invited me to your bash over the bank holiday. To be honest I couldn't have made it. I was beating up geeks in a field in Derby. Lets be frank, Gid and I are not going to be around on the august bank holidays because of this. But that didn't stop me from being rude. Which I was. I didn't even reply. Sorry dude.

Dear Pete, Thank you for inviting me to your bash. I really did appreciate the offer. Really. Had it been a weekend I could have made, I would have been there with "great gusto".

I feel like I am being twee and shit even with that. This is where I say that even though i am normally full of sarcasm and ridicule, this is where I am not. Je suis désolé.

Why the French? Well it get thrown into lots of what I do. Some good, some bad. Fuck it lets hit the whinge. I shouldn't, my life aint bad, but why not... I am currently sat downstairs typing to you lot. The bunch of reprobates you are. Cos I'm miffed. And what has been a thought is now put into place. I'm in trouble. Apparently I am too noisy and spill beers when I am drunk.

This is the dog house. This is where I am.

A call it a catalyst. A lowerer of the activation energy where I turn round and spew forth to my you.

I shouldn't complain, because on the whole she's a top lass, but... You must know where I am coming from. Those that we like can really get on our tits. Hypocritical, I know after I have just decried my rudeness to you lot.

You see here I am chipping in on threads with chirpy comments and so forth when all the while I'm feeling all a bit... confused? apathetic? vacant? I don't know to be honest. Just... meh.

Fuck it. Lets really open up. I'm in a job I'm not sure about even though I have been doing it for almost 12 years, with a girlfriend I love that can really does my head in sometimes, that makes me find it hard to see my mates when I want, whilst a general apathy takes me over.

FFS I can see an avenue out of the job I'm in. Project management actually seems like something I would be fucking shit hot at. I've even had help to push me in the right direction. But Jesus chirst I am shit. I throw some stinking effort at it only to get discouraged after a few months and then I just blank it all out whilst I start putting some real effort into work as it is. I's like i hit some sort of barrier wher I just go "this is a bit fucking scary". FFS all I need to do is work out how to set up my CV and plan answers to an interview!

Part of me goes, sort yourself out mate. The other half of me goes, "plan some stuff for your new RPG cos it's cool". Talk about procrastination. ARG!!!!!!

Why am I burdening you lot with this? Part of me thinks I shouldn't. Part hopes you don't mind. Part thinks "fuck it, maybe it'll at least entertain". Part hopes you can help, but part hopes you'll just acknowledge. I know most of the people on here really well, I know some of you less well. But when it comes down to it I call you all mates.

I'm normally full of bravado and balls, but this time.... Well lets just say there is a little white flag and I'm a bit dazed. I don't think the fuzziness I all down to Stella.

I'm going to stop now, as even I know I am rambling. I have more that I want to say, but rambling just isn't what I am about. I cut to the chase and hit bluntly where it's required. So I'll do that with myself and say "Sorry for being shit mates, but my heads not where it should be."

Bonne nuit.

P.S. Admins, I can't find the "keep this private" settings. Can you please make sure this is for chums only and then delete this P.S.? Ta


We've spoken about this before and if you lived nearer Reading, I'd have your CV in at our company. I often find that if there is one thing in your life that is bugging you, then other things become tiresome. Although we split things up into love-life / hobbies / work, I don't think our subconscious always does and lumps everything together as 'conscious life'. Therefore, the lady would appear to be more annoying than normal because your job is annoying you. I find this a lot.

You're doing it right though and I think you'll make an excellent project manager. After all, I've seen you manage a flying operation countless times!

[To grant rights, high 'submit', then go to the top and change the grants in the grants tab. It's not ideal but it works]

brainwipe's picture

Hi mate. Can I get in on that rambing discllaimer thing? I'm not pissed at the moment, but I'm not very awake..

This is a place for venting. I doubt anyone will have any problem whatsoever with you posting your concerns here.

I certainly don't mind ;). I know I've said it before, but absolutely no problem with not getting back to me instantly - I felt guilty, frankly, that the first email I sent you for months was asking for something. I felt fairly awful about not keeping in touch at that point.

I've met a number of people I got on with, and have exhcanged email adresses with. Unfortunately I'm crap at keeping in touch - not even when I'm under unusual pressure from work or anything. I look at the email, and think I should really reply. But I don't. I think "well, I don't have time now to do it properly", or "I should really reply from my other email address so they can get me more easily", but deep down I'm thinking I've got enough stuff going on at the moment, surely this can wait until tommorrow. Or next week. The longer I don't reply the more guilty I feel and the better and more apologetic the email has to be, which makes it harder to write. And maybe, somewhere there's a little voice saying "maybe they've given up on me by now". And I feel maybe a tiny bit of relief. And that makes me feel even more guilty...

As for changing things with life, I've put things off for years. I still am in some cases. Its hard to change or start something you've been intending and postponing for years. The only things I've found that help are:

- Change one thing at a time. A load of new year's resolutions rarely work. Focus on one. Life doesn't work like that, and there will always be complications, but by not changing several things I find I'm less likely to give up on the lot.

- Tell people who will be interested, but also who will be slightly disappointed if you give up and are in a position to see you ofetn enough to keep up to date with how its going. Not if you don't manage it for reasons genuinely out of your control, if you cave in.

As I say above, it doesn't always work. I started doing regular exercise in the mornings, and it was going well, but at some point I missed a few days - that holiday to Perpignon. And I never started again. I'm going to be having another go the end of the month, as work should get a little less shitty. Anyway, stop talking about me, me.

As for displacing frustration over something to someone unrelated, I'm not sure I can help, but if others have advice I shall read it avidly. I'm awful at this. On the world tour I found that if I don't eat in the morning I get highly stroppy. And who received this stroppyness? Matt. He took the, frankly, tantrums with not so much as a raised eyebrow, just weathered it and it went away. Thanks Matt.

i find the main person I get angry with, these days, is myself. I hate myself for not doing what I so clearly should have, and postponed. SOmetimes I can turn this into the kick to start doing something, but quite often not.

No idea if any of that helps mate, but don't feel you can't talk about it here. Got to go - will have a read later.


byrn's picture


Lots I could say, however Rob and Byrnie have pretty much said most of it. As for the BBQ, it would have been great to see you, but fully understand you were busy. Rest assured there was no thought of rudeness. We're having another do in November by the sounds of things... you are, of course, more than welcome :-)


babychaos's picture

Your still my mate - enough said.

Dwain's picture