Skyrim - Fallout with Fjords and Swords

I don't love fantasy as much as I love apocalyptic or sci fi settings. I don't love fantasy much at all. The main reason for this is that it is buried within Tolkein (et al) tropes that a broken at the peril of the creator. Move too far from fantasy and those who expect fantasy tropes will not enjoy your game. I bought Skyrim anyway as it was only just over 22 quid and I thought it was worth a punt given I loved Fallout 3 so much. My ageing ATI 4950 runs it without a problem. It's not as gorgeous as it is on other systems but it's breathtaking enough.

I'm not going to repeat all of EMW's excellent post but instead give a bit of a personal view.

Buttocks

My character, Buttocks, was aways going to be a tank that would specialise stupidly in one weapon (not a bow, they're gay - GET STUCK IN) and one or two spells (I knew something to do with fire and healing myself). I decided to be nice at first with a very short temper and low boredom threshold. A beefy, hairy Nordic type with scars and war paint and shit. The character choices were cool and varied but I'd sort of decided I wanted to be a stock belligerent twat before the game had finished downloading!

Out into the Alpine fresh

Fuck you, I said to the obvious initial plot draw and went on a wander. The landscape, with its muted beauty looked like it had a lot to show, so I thought I'd see a bit of it. I met a bard early on, who was keen to tell me his life story. "Fuck off!" I thought and let him stand talking to no-one by the lakeside. Mountains rose up all over and I decided to check the map, which is both 3D and pointlessly 3D, there was a settlement not too far, so I bimbled over to it. En route, some wolves attacked and I skewered them sharpish with the sword-of-wank I had from the start. I had also taken a shit load of damage, which made it back by the time I saw... Giants! Two of them. Right, I thought, fuck you giants and waded in. One nonchalant hit from the first giant and I died. I hadn't quick saved (F5), so it was back to the start.

Go back and start again

Right, the Bard was going to get it in the face but the bard wasn't there this time. Balls. Wandering about is safe enough, as long as you don't charge into silly battles, so I thought I'd harden myself by doing a bit of plot. Off to Riverwood it was. En route I met a witch all in black, who set me on fire. I had failed to hit F5.

Go back and start again

This time I was going to follow my companion to Riverwood, the little local starter village. They call it a town but it only has 9 houses. That's not a town, that's barely a fucking village. While there, I settled a few scores, nearly killed a townsfolk for being a twat and was polite to an elf (who was looking at me funny). The quests ended up sending me to the proper town Whiterun (which is called a city but isn't nearly big enough). I eavesdropped a load and ran a couple of little quests until I bought a horse. Horses aren't much faster than running but I got attached to it so I did some more plot.

Oh my god, I killed my fucking horse!

It was an upsetting tragedy when I rode the fucker off a cliff by accident. Not only did "Bollockchops" cost me 1000 gold but I'd got attached to the wolf-kicking mare. I'd normally run past encounters I wasn't interested in (bandit camps etc) but if they so much as touched Bollockchops, I'd clear the fucking area. Every mother fucking one of them dead. I was like a one-man mounted plague. When the Mrs came in to tell me it was late, I was well miffed. I could have reloaded from the previous quicksave but then that felt like cheating because I'd fucked up. Buttocks had killed his horse. Dead. The next horse would be better looked after, after I'd finished a period of mourning. The next random character I met (another bard) got a steel Warhammer in the chops. Sorry about that, it was a bad time to talk to me about the fucking Imperials or whatever.

Fuck off, we're Elves

I took one quest that required me to go across the map and try and free some Nordic chappy from the Elves. He's been a bit of a nob-end and had been locked up. I had not been that way yet, so couldn't fast travel so I decided to walk it, without using the handy cart to get to the nearest town to it. I'm glad I did, en route I twatted numerous bandits, bears, wolves, ice wolves and wankers looking at me funny. Then, while crossing a mountain a fucking dragon decided to have a go. I got up nice and close and personal, with my one weapon attack, and proceeded to smash its scaley face in bit by bit. It felt epic. The wind was blowing snow across the mountain top and the dragon was trying to toast me. I killed it, absorbed some sort of power and off I went. By the time I reached the Elves, I'd levelled up a fair bit and was pretty nails then. Not Chuck Norris, just handy. I asked the Elves nicely to let nob-end go.

They told me to fuck off. They laughed at me.

HAVE AT YOU!

F5 and run in. I made a mess of it, surrounded and butchered. Quick load. Run in. No, not like that. Quick load. Fire magic, no. Quick load. Run past the guard at the front? No. Try some super-expensive magic scrolls? No. This was the problem that I had with Morrowind - not giving up on a task you're not hard enough for. In Morrowind I gave up, thinking the game was shit. In Fallout, I got used to the idea. In Skyrim, I'm going to get tooled up to the fucking eyebrows and go back there to serve them their shiney Elven arses.

Plotty plot ploty

So I did some more plot, read the odd book or two, found out that I was special and got the special magical power (which requires a bit of a fucking trek). Getting harder (but not much better weaponry or armour just yet). Not going into too much of it because it's all plotty.

House or Horse? Hourse?

So I have a load of cash and I need some better stuff. My period of mourning for Bollockchops is coming to an end so I am wondering whether I should buy a house to put my MASSIVE book collecting in or whether I should just buy more powerful toys to go Elf twatting. I think it might be the latter because those pointed eared fucks deserve some serious payback. I've not been to many of the other big cities, which is where the snacky stuff to buy will be, so that might be the next thing to do. I won't go along the plot for a while - I have scores to settle. I might also join a guild or something.

So, I am compelled to play it but I'd like it more if it was Fallout 4.

Comments

Welcome Warren (Giraffe). For those that don't know Warren (errr, everyone) he worked with me at iGroup. Yes, another fucking software developer. But a good one.

brainwipe's picture

I also drove my first horse off a cliff it was only a few minutes after purchase so I wasn't that attached I never bothered wit another one it was easy enough to walk most places.

I use magic and have problems with area of effect I win most fights with some careful potion and skill use but half the time I stand victorious only to find the still smoking corpse of my companion lydia among my vanquished foes. Which is a shame as I use her as a mule for all the good stuff I find but cant carry as I'm a weakling with terrifying magical powers (I can now make the floor errupt in flames/ice/lightning and summon a demon lord to bash things for me)

So naturally I have to reload and try and avoid roasting my companion as well as beating the big bad

Evilmatt's picture

I don't have the same attachment to Lydia as I did to Bollockchops although the Gentleman in me makes her wait outside of danger before I charge in, which of course makes her pointless. I think I don't feel an attachment because she's creepy.

At the end of a day mashing faces with my uberhammer, dear old Bollockchops would stand outside the Inn/Castle Ruin/House and wait patiently for me to have some nosh (perhaps a beer) and some sleep. Relaxed, I would leave the building and Bollockchops would be loyally standing there, in the freezing cold, waiting proudly for me. Brave, dearly missed Bollockchops. Respect.

Lydia? You go into an Inn, she's standing right behind you. Sit down for dinner. She's standing behind you. Have a beer, she's still standing there. Motionless. Silently uncomplaining. You go into the bedroom. She follows you in and stands there. You have a sleep, knowing that she's standing there. You wake up in the morning and SHE'S STILL STANDING THERE. Not a word. You can tell she hasn't slept as she's standing in the same spot.

I tell her to wait on top of a 5000 foot mountain, where it must be 20 degree below, wearing an outfit that would make Lady Gaga blush. I leave here there for 4 days. When I return, she doesn't say a word. A wolf so much as looks at me funny and she runs in arrows zinging.

You then give her a book to carry and she complains.

While writing this I've realised what Lydia is. A psychotic girlfriend. Man, I've got to get rid of that fucking woman. If she can be killed.

brainwipe's picture

it may be the difference in focus that makes lydia more useful to me. I have dark powers that can rend the universe in twain and then set it on fire but I'm about as tough as a wet paper bag one good hit and I'm dead even with magical armour (when I remeber to cast it) and some pretty fancy actual armour (i've got my smithing up to epic crafting glass armour now).

So I rely on creepy stalker girlfriend Lydia to soak up the damage and keep the focus off me so I can rain down fiery death from afar. I also use summoned elementals or deadric warrior and occationally reanimated bodies of my enemies for the same function their upside is when they die it's no big deal.

Lydia is dumber than a bag of hammers and sometimes the auto conversation thing makes her sound even dumber we had just left a small cave that we cleared an infestation of trolls out of (fire is your friend) and the moment we get back out into the outside lydia pipes up with "look a cave I wonder whats in there" 5 smoking troll corpses you dumb bint!

Also I don't have the sleep problem ... as a werewolf I never sleep

Evilmatt's picture

bought another horse friday ... once again managed to drive it straight off a cliff unfortunately I didn't survive the fall either

Evilmatt's picture

Played a bit at the weekend. Weirdly, I am compelled to play but I am still not sure if I am enjoying it.

Lydia RIP, you suicidal bitch

Stay there. Don't follow me. Stand. Right. There. You've spent the past five fucking nights standing at the foot of my bed, you crazy bitch. Now do what you're told. Stay. Do not engage. OK, I'm going now, don't you dare join in.

So, I get myself potioned (drugged) up the eyeballs and am utterly baked (I even sat Buttocks down for a hearty munchies meal later) and charge into a battle I'd lost 3 times before. This time I'd spent some serious coin on some drugs and had a sweet pair of gauntlets that make my 2-handed face masher lethal. Floaty-magic-bad guy must have filled his underwear when he saw me dashing in. Bobbing and weaving, I started mashing him up, ducking back to use heal magic. Then I heard a woof. Is that a wolf? I look around and there's a familiar having a go at floaty-fucker. Hang on, I gave the "Staff of creating magic creatures to fight for you" to Lydia, who was now rushing in. Unsurprisingly, the silly cow got electrocuted. I told her to stay. I told her to wait. Silly, silly bitch.

I managed to nut magical-floaty-features eventually and nick his stuff. I didn't want to go through it again as I felt I was about as efficient with my drugs and strikes as I could be. Lydia lay dead with a load of stuff. Sod it, she can stay there. Silly cow.

I'm trying not to feel bad for the OCD ridden psycho-girlfriend but I do.

Choice, except when you don't

Buttocks is a good man. Honest, kind, charitable to the poor, lover of horses (not like that), violent and short tempered. So I end up in Riften (this is not spoilery, btw) and it appears that to complete one quest arc I have join the thieves guild. Which is a bit shit. When meeting the guild, they turn out to be a bunch of nob-gobbling arrogant mother fuckers. Buttocks doesn't have a lot of patience at the best of times and will flip his lid if a rabbit gets in his way, a wolf looks at him funny or IF HE JUST DOES, OK? Met with smug thieves in their poncey armour being all hoity toity was never going to end well. But they don't die. They just curl up into a ball and 'submit'.

Submission isn't an option on the Buttocks conversation form: be nice or be turned into wallpaper paste. But no, you have to join these fuckers to get the quest done. What an insult! They want me to sneak about and wear their armour. They can fuck off. So, I'll do their quests and they can have Buttocks on their rota but Buttocks is not going to enjoy it.

Where Buttocks stands on the war

One one hand the Stormcloaks are kinsmen (I'm a Nord) on the other, they're fucking stupid. On one hand, the Imperials are smug twats on the other, they're not fucking imbiciles. Stormcloaks should be more my thing but the Imperials have cooler cities (not visited them all, to be fair). It seems that they neither are really getting my vote.

Horsey

Still don't feel comfortable owning another horse just yet. I'll have to get a different colour next time. I need a name before I can buy the horse.

brainwipe's picture

Rob said:Weirdly, I am compelled to play but I am still not sure if I am enjoying it.

The mantra of the MMORG (and now the SPORPG).

Call your next horse "Horsefucker". It's not even an insult...

babychaos's picture

Remember the imperials are just a front for the thalmore a bunch of namby pamby elves who want to kill off the norse god talos.

I went with the storm cloaks myself not really sure why since my character is a elf of sorts (dark elf) and a magic user (as well as an expert blacksmith, master enchanter, fairly good alchemist and part time bard)

Evilmatt's picture

Horsefucker is not really funny enough. I have a name. I'm keeping it secret. Until I buy the horse, I'll take a photo next time too.

I must be enjoying it else I wouldn't keep playing. I don't hate it. I like the story, it's my story. Others might do the same missions but it wasn't their Bollockchops that got ridden off the cliff. They didn't get Lydia killed by asking her to wait too close to a battle. They didn't bludgeon that MOOSE FOR LOOKING AT ME FUNNY.... YEAH? YEAH? COME ON, ANTLERMELON YOU WANT SOME?! I did that, that was my story, the story of Buttocks.

With MMORPG, there would be story in the same way but it would be shared, which is nice.

Other thoughts

The similarity to Fallout 3 is staggering. A lot of the grindy bullshit has gone. When you pick Perks, it's not really like endlessly levelling skills (which occur automatically), it's more "That's a cool thing, I want to be able to do that" such as 2 handed weapons doing 80% more smashy damage. HAW HAW. The special magical "shouts" are lots of fun. Nothing says FUCK YOU quite like disarming someone wielding a magical sword that gives them your health.

The interface is a dog that needs putting down. I've gotten used to it now but like the Reading one-way system, it shouldn't be something you get used to, it should fucking do the job properly in the first place.

Fucktions

Imperials do appear to be more annoying. The Stormcloaks are more of a retareded relative to me. I think I will probably side with Stormcloaks but I want to shout-magic up a bit. I'll wait until either pushed one way or one side does something fucking stupid.

brainwipe's picture

Inspired by this tale and your love of Bollockchops I finally gave in and started my own adventure.

Not long after starting I came across a horse standing over the body of a dead bandit, Binky I named him. Our time together was short lived however as on minutes later further up a hill I was attacked by a wolf; "I shall smite thee" I thought, no sooner had I dismounted Binky took flight from the hill catapulted into the air never to be seen again.

Well easy come easy go, EAT FIRE WOLF!!!

Bigger Rob's picture

Excellent! Now start a blog thread.

Dragons, I'm coming for you

Was standing outside a village, talking to some of the locals, minding our own sweet business when one villager bursts into flame! Right there in front of me. Like he was taking a fire shower!

Fucking Dragon! I was talking to him. You are NOT permitted to burn people I'm talking to. It's like their jealous or something. Fucking Dragons. I don't go around smashing their faces in... alright, I do... but I don't do it when they're in the middle of find out about why someone's life is quite hard.

So I smashed his lizard mug in but it wasn't enough. Buttocks has had a sense of humour failure and is now going hunting for Dragons. He's going to find each of their windswept perches and do some damage. Yeah, I'll learn some more Dragon tongue in the process but that's OK, I get to say "FUCK YOU" in their own language before I mash their mush.

Now I need a map, I think I might have seen one on a table somewhere.

brainwipe's picture